What does it mean when family doesn't want to spend extended amounts of time with one another? Does it mean they haven't worked through personality issues within the family? Does it mean that some members feel it not safe to be around others in the family? Does it mean they are not respecting each other? If you were raised by the same parents throughout your childhood, should you put distance between you and them so that you can figure out who you are apart from them or is it important to spend time with them so that they feel respected and cared for in return for all those years they put into your life? What about in-laws? Should you spend more time with your in-laws because they don't know you as well? Should you give space to those who clearly don't want to spend large amounts of space with you as their family?
Am I just one of those people that think it should be a fun and exciting time when with family? Is it just me that thinks family should want to spend time together and if they do not that something is wrong or unresolved? Should I accept that some personalities don't mesh well together and that no one can do anything about that even if they are in the same family?
Families limiting their time with one another may not be about disrespect, dislike, or unresolved issues. It may be about just the opposite. I can only speak from my own experience but I can tell you that my family may be that way because we know each other so well. Its not that I dont like them....its that I know that if we spend a week or 10 days together in a camper, on a road trip, or at the beach that we would end up driving each other crazy by day 3 or 4. We naturally fall back into roles, with our families, that we each played as we grew up. And I can tell you that my family went on vacation each year, to a race track. The toughest part of those vacations were the time in the vehicle or the time that "family time" was forced. The time I spent with them, that I chose to spend with them will always be the most memorable and closest to my heart. We went to the race track because we all had different things that we could do, and friends we could hang out with if we didnt want to be around the family all the time. But, we always made time for family and almost always made the decision, as to what we were going to do together, together.
ReplyDeleteNow one could argue that this is a perfect recipe for avoiding arguements. And, I would say yes. By not spending extended time together, doing the things we did as children, we avoid arguments. Is this unhealthy? I would argue not. You see, I know in the deepest part of my heart....am more assurred than most men are about anything....believe 100%, without a shadow of a doubt, that there is not a single thing that I could do to end what my family has. No argument could stop us from being a family. No argument could change the love that I feel for them. Nor them for me. I grew up with a mother who told me that on a daily basis.
Literally, she would tell me: there is nothing that you could ever do that would make me stop loving you. I would say: really mom? what if I grew up to be a murderer? And she would say: I would be dissapointed, but I wouldnt love you any less.
So you see, I'm not worried that I will lose something by fighting with my family. But I know that fighting with my family creates three things: stress, tension and headaches. And these are things that we could all do without.
If my family went on vacation together...it would look like nothing you have ever been on. We would spend some time together. But most of the time would be spent on our own. And little by little, as my sis and i grew up, we earned it. We became more responsible. We became older. They trusted us more. We became adults. And adults can WANT to spend time with their parents. But adults dont NEED to spend time with their parents. "Leave and cleave" was a common term in our household growing up.
And while you may not be able to understand this, this is how we grew up. This was the expectation. And so this is how we live. And it creates confusion for you as to how I live. And it creates confusion for me as to how you live. Thus is the basis of marriage. Trying so desperately to understand the other person. Making compromises to keep them happy. Having faith in them, even when you dont understand them. And thats prolly why so many people get divorced. Luckily, I know that we wont. And I know that you love me and I resiprocate that towards you. For that, we are blessed.
And here is the compromise....if you want to try a ressler family vacation....I'm in. But its gonna look different than a hollinger family vacation. :)
Honestly, I wasn't referring my comments to your family only. I've been thinking about how we show love to our family members and vacation is something that alot of families do. I do not think there should be a your family does this and my family does this because both our families are new families. Josh and I are new to yours and The three guys are new to mine. I do think there should be an intentionality as to how these new people are included and feel comfortable. I agree with you on that. I think it's so easy for family members to be passive because that's just how their fmaily is. All families do have their "attributes" but is it wrong to say that we need to be continually adapting family dynamics because the family is continually changing? Most people will read this and think, that's way too much energy. I don't agree. I think family is worth pursuing and loving the ways they feel loved. Does any family do that perfectly? No. Would I like to see more try? Yes. Starting with both of our families.
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